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Response to “How Feminism is Ruining Your Love Life” [http://madamenoire.com/57269/how-feminism-is-ruining-your-love-life/]

Posted in Uncategorized on June 17, 2011 by Urban Romance

i recently read an article on madamenoire.com called “how feminism is ruining your love life” and for the first time in a long while, i was compelled to actually comment on a blog site. unfortunately, my response was too long to post directly to the comment section so i’ve posted it here instead…

as a self-proclaimed feminist and girly-girl, i have thought a lot about how to find the balance between my feminists ideals, the liberation they provide and societies notion of what is acceptable female behavior. in my almost 30 years on this earth i can honestly say (in the most nonjudgmental way possible) that this is all bullshit. think about it. we go on and on about how women are supposed to be this and women are supposed to be that when all the while, we are STILL allowing men to run amok and dictate how we are supposed to behave and this is in 2011, no less. one minute it’s “be pure and chaste” then someone says ” you’re still a virgin at 25? FAIL!” the next minute it’s “do what you want ladies, this is the 21st century.” and the moment you go out and get yours, you’re a ho. i think what we need to do first and foremost is mind our own business and let people find their own peace. is the miserable housewife better off than the happy ho? do either of them need to be judged or praised for choosing the life they chose? what is the point of feminism if not to live YOUR life as YOU see fit (as long as it causes no harm to others, of course)?…which leads me to my next point. when did everyone become a damn expert? these blogs have driven people to believe that they have the right to tell the rest of us how to function. the advice is usually one-sided, cliché, dated, hypocritical, chock full of judgment, and riddled in the same “us” vs. “them” mentality that continues to divide men and women rather than bring us together. are we still so low on the evolutionary scale that we can’t process the idea that PEOPLE are PEOPLE and NO ONE is perfect? no we’d rather shroud ourselves in the same divisiveness that has caused nothing but drama between the sexes for hundreds of years. when will we grow up and realize that antiquated notions about men’s and women’s roles are useless, if for no other reason than the fact that there’s nothing one can do that the other can’t besides write one’s name in the snow. women can make their own money, have babies by themselves if they want, etc. men can be stay-at-home dads, express their feelings and cry if they are hurt or even happy (gasp) without much judgment. in a perfect world, this would be a good time for healing—for realizing that we really don’t need each other for anything other than LOVE. time and progress have freed us of all the bullshit that once FORCED us together and yet we still cling to nonsense like a child to his most cherished blankie. and for what? to have a talking point or two? to push some book i probably could’ve written when i was in 9th grade? to promote some agenda? or perhaps mask the insecurities and feelings of emptiness felt by these so-called experts? why do we continue to weigh ourselves down with this stuff? WE created all of it. WE have the power to change how things are. I hate when people start any sentence with “society says…” we are said society. so why then don’t we realize that we have the power to change things? it’s only going to happen through open and honest communication between those individuals who are engaging in the art of RELATIONSHIP. umbrella-style advice from randoms is not it. it only serves to confuse and contradict (because no two situations are the same) and leads back to the same shit that got us here in the first place. the idea seems to be: “ladies, live how you want, just don’t expect to get a man unless you live how HE wants.” who is that helping? it doesn’t help women and it doesn’t even help men, who need to be taught how to LET GO of some of the victorian-style thinking that made a feminist movement necessary in the first place. if the point is for all of us to find love, why must one sex always cow-tow to the needs of the other under the guise of being nurturing and genteel. that kind of thinking is exactly why women are depressed and why many from my generation seem to be foregoing the idea of marriage altogether, whether that be by choice or by subconsciously getting in their own way. the point of feminism was supposed to be to show men that they are not superior—that we BOTH bring value to a situation and should work together to make a better life for ourselves and our future families. i don’t care who cooks or who takes out the trash, we are all equal in the eyes of God and Death and a bullet in the ass has the same impact whether you are a man or a woman. Before we are men and women, we are humans. we cry, we bleed, we make poor choices, we struggle with life, we rise, we accomplish and most importantly we BOTH need love. we were divinely designed that way. love asks not that one jump through hoops to gain the affections of another. love just IS. and when you truly love someone, the pleasantries happen organically and don’t need to be spelled out by some relationship guru. why? because you’re living in the realm of selflessness, which automatically makes you behave in a way that is pleasing to your loved one. if love is based on whether or not one caters to the other, then that is not love at all, but instead a condition of ego stroking, lust-driven addiction that we have mistaken as love for far too long. when it’s real it can be given and felt with relative ease. it doesn’t need to be spelled out, or practiced, or rehearsed to happen. so all that to say, until we realize that one sex’s love is no more important or coveted than the other’s, we will always be subject to half-assed advice from people who can only understand life through one short-sited view—their own.

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WE MOVED!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 24, 2010 by Urban Romance

WWW.MYURBANROMANCE.TUMBLR.COM

Urban Renewal

Posted in Uncategorized on September 8, 2010 by Urban Romance

happy september love birds. hope everyone enjoyed their labor day weekend. the weather was absolutely amazing! too bad i spent the entire holiday in the hospital. if you read my last post you know i had to take care of a medical issue. no i didn’t have a boob job as one of my friends wondered. i had a myomectomy, which is a fancy term for fibroid removal. for those who don’t know what fibroids are, i suggest you look into it, especially if you’re a woman and you’re black. like almost every other disease and ailment known to man, it affects black women more than anyone else. i’ll spare everyone the gory details. just know that fibroids are more annoying than anything and can cause much pain and discomfort. women can live with them for years and sometimes they grow to the size of grapefruits or larger. many women deal with fibroids via hysterectomy but because of my age and the fact that i have yet to have children, my gynecologist thought it best to remove the fibroids asap and preserve my ability to have children in the future. the surgery is not easy and can sometimes cause irreparable damage to the reproductive organs. however, mine went perfectly fine. my doctor called it one of the easiest myomectomies she’s ever done, partly because of my otherwise good health and how aggressive i was in making sure the issue was taken care of as soon as possible.

i absolutely despise being sick. my body is sensitive so anything little thing that’s “off” i feel it 10-fold. i’m like a nazi when it comes to healing my body, as i refuse to be pawn in the sick game (no pun intended) the medical field and pharmaceutical industry plays with people’s lives to keep their pockets fat. my attitude when going to the doctor is tell me what’s wrong and give me every possible alternative for getting the issue FIXED. i will not allow anyone to simply treat my symptoms with drugs–drugs that often cause more problems than you came to the doctor with. then you need more drugs to deal with the new side effects caused by the other drugs and blah blah blah. i’m not interested. my doctor is certified in homeopathic treatment and most of what i need to get back to normal comes right from whole foods supermarket.

no one really knows what causes fibroids but poor diet, stress, and a toxic environment all play a role in their forming and growth. so ladies if you live in the city, feed on fast food, and find yourself running around like a chicken with its head cut off, stressing about the daily bullshit of life, keep in mind that you could be putting yourself at risk for these tumors to invade your body. look out for things like painful, irregular periods, bloating in your pelvic area or anything that just doesn’t seem right. fibroids grow fast. in a year’s time mine went from being the size of a dime to the size of a baseball.

i don’t believe in accidents, happenstance, coincidence, etc. so i had to really ask myself what was going on with me that allowed these parasites to find a home inside my body and grow so fast. then i remembered a passage i read once in a book called the power of now that says “many illnesses are created through fighting against the cycles of low energy, which are vital for regeneration,” which basically means that resisting the “lows” of life (while being on the brink of obsession with achieving the “highs”) can cause your body to create an illness in order to force you to stop and take a look at what is really going on within. that was me. i was the queen of resistance. there was so much going on in my life–so many things i wasn’t satisfied with and i honestly believe that fighting against those things internally took a toll on my health. i really needed to chill and going through this process of diagnosis, surgery, and now healing definitely forced me to stop and listen to what my body was trying to tell me. the simple answer is to be more conscious of what’s going on around me and within me, accept that negative things have to be in order for positive things to be, and then let the negative things pass through me instead of holding them inside until they grow into dis-ease.

everyone knows me for being into clothes, shoes, makeup, and all things vanity. but i do believe in the importance of balance on a level far beyond the superficial. (in fact, i often joke that my life would be much easier if all i cared about were clothes and shoes.) in order to maintain that balance i have to take care of my mind, body, and spirit and i write this post as sort of a cautionary tale. don’t ignore the pain you feel, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. deal with it. don’t let it fester and grow inside you. recognize it. accept it as a necessary part of life, then move on from it.

i’m off for the next 6 weeks to allow my body to heal and regenerate. not exactly the fabulous vacation i was hoping for, but i look forward to the upcoming weeks of rest and recuperation. it’s a great opportunity for me clear my head, rebuild my body, work on some things i wouldn’t otherwise have time for.

thanks family and friends for all the love and well wishes throughout this process. you are all making it super easy for me 😉

xoxo

up next: fall pieces i die for

Hello Lovers!

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2010 by Urban Romance

summer is winding down and i have to say i’m not mad. used to be a time when i lived for summer and preferred 95-degree weather to 70-degree weather any day of the week. now i’m convinced global warming is making me hate summer. i can’t be the only one who’s noticed how disgustingly hot and humid it’s been the past couple years. and since i’m super sensitive and allergic to everything, it’s been even more of a nightmare for yours truly.

i’m an autumn baby. october’s own. fall is and always has been my favorite time of year. not too hot. not too cold. i know the changing of leaves and crisp air indicate winter is just around the corner, but the city seems to be much calmer and sexier around that time. my motivation to get things done is higher. not to mention, the possibilities for hot fall fashion are endless and more than make up for the chill in the air.

it’s for these reasons (and more) that i decided to go back to the lab, tighten my gameplan and debut my site in the fall instead of this summer. having recently learned that i have some health issues i need to take care of (nothing major, but in the way nonetheless), i was instructed by my doctor to “enjoy the summer” so that’s what i did. but you all know i can never be all work and no play. therefore, i used this summer to network and connect with other crazy people who think like me. i worked on a couple of photo shoots, gained some new clients, and i’ve even started making use of my once forgotten about twitter account (#addictive). most importantly i had a chance to regroup and address some issues that were weighing heavy on my heart. i believe that when you walk through life with a heavy heart you block positive energy from coming into your cipher and in turn block whatever blessings the universe has in store for you. there is no way i can continue on this crazy journey being a “bag lady” (unless it’s the gucci 1973 medium top handle-loves it!) so that had to be dealt with rapidamente. lol.

now that my head is clear and my heart is light, i feel like my batteries are recharged. i’m ready to do what i do: living, learning, loving, writing, styling, laughing, and on and on and on…

fresh new posts coming soon kids!

~UR

Hopeless Romantic.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 12, 2010 by Urban Romance

When the whole blog phenomenon broke, I have to admit I was slightly annoyed. I spent four years busting my ass in college to get a journalism degree and now anyone with a laptop and an opinion could jump online and be a published writer. I loathed the idea of blogging the same way I loathed the idea of the on-line magazine, deeming them both inauthentic.  But that was back when I took life way too seriously and thought that degrees were actually worth the paper they’re printed on.

I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but I believe it was during the MySpace heyday. I had finally joined MySpace after hearing way too much about it and once the excitement of spying on old classmates wore off, I started writing blogs here and there, only to discover that people actually enjoyed reading my ramblings. Who knew?  I love to write and I was thrilled that people actually got enjoyment out of reading my thoughts about absolutely nothing, but I still wasn’t interested in starting a blog of my own.

Two degrees and too many unexpected life experiences later and here I am. I can’t promise that I’ll always (or ever)  have something overwhelmingly profound to share. I have my days. This is simply for those who value my thoughts and ideas and care about what I find interesting and fabulous.

Why are you so interested in fashion?  I’m not interested in fashion, I’m interested in style. ~ Todd Selby

Urban Romance is all about style and my life-long love affair with fashion, the arts, metropolitan living, and whatever else I deem stylish—a place to showcase my work as a stylist and image consultant and a forum for people to ask questions and exchange ideas. Every now and then, I may throw in an original essay or an interview to appease my inner journalist, but overall there are No Rules. Love that!

The official launch of Urban Romance isn’t until late spring (the reason my page is so blah-blah-snore right now). I wanted to test WordPress (and generate a little buzz) with this first post. I can’t wait to get started and look forward to your feedback and comments.

Maybe now’s a good time to thank some people :
Mom, Dad, Granny and the rest of my crazy family, thank you for your unbridled support and constant encouragement. I am truly, truly blessed to have you all be a part of my life and could not have made it this far through life without you.

Special Thanks to:
Chris, Erick, Mayra, Jordan,  Sharna, Alexis, Aja, Kelli, Khadijah, Heather,  iQue, Tina, Linda, Brant, Ms. Enna, Ms. Maher, Cheryl Ann, my glam squad and anyone else who has held me down, taught me something new, or been a breath of fresh air. I am grateful beyond measure. To those I may have forgotten, please know you have a place in my heart even though my brain fails me at the moment.

Now that my Oscar moment is over, back to work I go. See you all soon! 😉

XOXO
Tristan