Response to “How Feminism is Ruining Your Love Life” []

i recently read an article on called “how feminism is ruining your love life” and for the first time in a long while, i was compelled to actually comment on a blog site. unfortunately, my response was too long to post directly to the comment section so i’ve posted it here instead…

as a self-proclaimed feminist and girly-girl, i have thought a lot about how to find the balance between my feminists ideals, the liberation they provide and societies notion of what is acceptable female behavior. in my almost 30 years on this earth i can honestly say (in the most nonjudgmental way possible) that this is all bullshit. think about it. we go on and on about how women are supposed to be this and women are supposed to be that when all the while, we are STILL allowing men to run amok and dictate how we are supposed to behave and this is in 2011, no less. one minute it’s “be pure and chaste” then someone says ” you’re still a virgin at 25? FAIL!” the next minute it’s “do what you want ladies, this is the 21st century.” and the moment you go out and get yours, you’re a ho. i think what we need to do first and foremost is mind our own business and let people find their own peace. is the miserable housewife better off than the happy ho? do either of them need to be judged or praised for choosing the life they chose? what is the point of feminism if not to live YOUR life as YOU see fit (as long as it causes no harm to others, of course)?…which leads me to my next point. when did everyone become a damn expert? these blogs have driven people to believe that they have the right to tell the rest of us how to function. the advice is usually one-sided, cliché, dated, hypocritical, chock full of judgment, and riddled in the same “us” vs. “them” mentality that continues to divide men and women rather than bring us together. are we still so low on the evolutionary scale that we can’t process the idea that PEOPLE are PEOPLE and NO ONE is perfect? no we’d rather shroud ourselves in the same divisiveness that has caused nothing but drama between the sexes for hundreds of years. when will we grow up and realize that antiquated notions about men’s and women’s roles are useless, if for no other reason than the fact that there’s nothing one can do that the other can’t besides write one’s name in the snow. women can make their own money, have babies by themselves if they want, etc. men can be stay-at-home dads, express their feelings and cry if they are hurt or even happy (gasp) without much judgment. in a perfect world, this would be a good time for healing—for realizing that we really don’t need each other for anything other than LOVE. time and progress have freed us of all the bullshit that once FORCED us together and yet we still cling to nonsense like a child to his most cherished blankie. and for what? to have a talking point or two? to push some book i probably could’ve written when i was in 9th grade? to promote some agenda? or perhaps mask the insecurities and feelings of emptiness felt by these so-called experts? why do we continue to weigh ourselves down with this stuff? WE created all of it. WE have the power to change how things are. I hate when people start any sentence with “society says…” we are said society. so why then don’t we realize that we have the power to change things? it’s only going to happen through open and honest communication between those individuals who are engaging in the art of RELATIONSHIP. umbrella-style advice from randoms is not it. it only serves to confuse and contradict (because no two situations are the same) and leads back to the same shit that got us here in the first place. the idea seems to be: “ladies, live how you want, just don’t expect to get a man unless you live how HE wants.” who is that helping? it doesn’t help women and it doesn’t even help men, who need to be taught how to LET GO of some of the victorian-style thinking that made a feminist movement necessary in the first place. if the point is for all of us to find love, why must one sex always cow-tow to the needs of the other under the guise of being nurturing and genteel. that kind of thinking is exactly why women are depressed and why many from my generation seem to be foregoing the idea of marriage altogether, whether that be by choice or by subconsciously getting in their own way. the point of feminism was supposed to be to show men that they are not superior—that we BOTH bring value to a situation and should work together to make a better life for ourselves and our future families. i don’t care who cooks or who takes out the trash, we are all equal in the eyes of God and Death and a bullet in the ass has the same impact whether you are a man or a woman. Before we are men and women, we are humans. we cry, we bleed, we make poor choices, we struggle with life, we rise, we accomplish and most importantly we BOTH need love. we were divinely designed that way. love asks not that one jump through hoops to gain the affections of another. love just IS. and when you truly love someone, the pleasantries happen organically and don’t need to be spelled out by some relationship guru. why? because you’re living in the realm of selflessness, which automatically makes you behave in a way that is pleasing to your loved one. if love is based on whether or not one caters to the other, then that is not love at all, but instead a condition of ego stroking, lust-driven addiction that we have mistaken as love for far too long. when it’s real it can be given and felt with relative ease. it doesn’t need to be spelled out, or practiced, or rehearsed to happen. so all that to say, until we realize that one sex’s love is no more important or coveted than the other’s, we will always be subject to half-assed advice from people who can only understand life through one short-sited view—their own.


4 Responses to “Response to “How Feminism is Ruining Your Love Life” []”

  1. Wow! Let love lead the way and not antiquated traditions that keep men and women conflicted, divided, and at odds. You are correct. Men and women must define what works for them individually as well as collectively. Old paradigms rooted in repression have robbed us emotionally and we are held as psychological captives to our own madness. We know many of the old paradigms are ineffective, but we hold on to them because they are familiar to us. Though we cannot deny the devastating evidence of the dysfunction these old paradigms have caused.

  2. E in CT Says:

    yes! love this, Tara. I am so tired of these articles implying that, unlike every other group of women on the planet, black women have to twist and tie ourselves in knots to get a man, any man. Besides that fact that some of those articles are written at a fifth grade level (sorry fifth graders), these articles are so male-identified and lacking in any historical context at all. Is this Madame Noir lady really implying that if f black women would just pretend it was 1950 we’d all have a man? Eyeroll. No mention of the millions of ‘church lady’ types who would give her left arm to submit to a man and is still single. What a crock. I am so glad I held out for a progressive life partner who is as proud to carry my name as I am to carry his. We need to move forward, not back. I would not want any man who was so threatened by women that he needed to be to less so he could feel like more. Nothing worse on a man than a little butty ego.

  3. E in CT Says:

    LOL butty+bitty. Great response!

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